Letting Go
by Draikinator
Summary: Set after Kaworu Nagisa's death. Shinji has to keep going, but he's been devastated. Kaworu gives him one final push forward.


**Shinji Ikari killed the seventeenth angel.**

"I… I did…" Shinji said quietly from the darkness.

**Shinji Ikari was just doing his job.**

"I- I was! I was only doing what everyone told me to do…"

**Shinji Ikari saved everyone's lives.**

"That's right…" Said Shinji hopefully.

**Shinji Ikari killed the seventeenth angel.**

"You… you said that already…" Shinji said quietly, blinking.

**Shinji Ikari killed the seventeenth angel.**

"I- I…"

**Shinji Ikari killed the seventeenth angel.**

"Wait-"

**Shinji Ikari killed the seventeenth angel.**

**Shinji Ikari killed the seventeenth angel.**

**Shinji Ikari killed the seventeenth angel.**

**Shinji Ikari killed the seventeenth angel.**

**Shinji Ikari killed the seventeenth angel.**

**Shinji Ikari killed the seventeenth angel.**

**Shinji Ikari killed the seventeenth angel.**

**Shinji Ikari killed the seventeenth angel.**

**Shinji Ikari killed the seventeenth angel.**

**Shinji Ikari murdered Kaworu Nagisa.**

"NO!" Shinji screamed, dropping to his knees.

**Shinji Ikari murdered Kaworu Nagisa.**

"I didn't mean it! I didn't mean it!"

**Shinji Ikari murdered Kaworu Nagisa.**

"Stop… Please…"

**Why did you kill him?**

"They told me too… It wasn't my fault… I didn't want to…"

**Why did you kill him?**

"Kaworu was an angel- I didn't have a choice! He wasn't human… it wasn't murder… it wasn't murder…"

**Why did you kill him?**

"Shut up! Shut up! SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!" Shinji screaming, folding over and pressing his head to the floor as he curled inward, terrified of the words he could see even after he closed his eyes.

**Kaworu was your friend.**

"No… No! Kaworu was an angel! I had to kill him!"

**Was it worth it, Shinji Ikari?**

"I… I…"

**Would you take it back?**

"I… I just…"

**Would you kill him again?**

"No!" Shinji gasped for air, suddenly unable to breathe.

**But you DID kill him.**

"No… I didn't- I didn't do it-"

**Shinji Ikari murdered Kaworu Nagisa.**

"No! Stop it!"

**Shinji Ikari murdered Kaworu Nagisa.**

"Shut up!"

**Shinji Ikari murdered Kaworu Nagisa.**

"SHUT UP!"

**Shinji Ikari murdered Kaworu Nagisa.**

"SHUT UP!" Shinji leapt to his feet.

"Shinji?"

Shinji froze.

"Shinji?"

It was that voice- and yet it couldn't be-

"Kaworu?" Shinji asked, voice cracking as he turned to face the seventeenth an- no, the fifth ch- no. His friend.

"Hello, Shinji Ikari." Kaworu smiled.

"Kaworu!" Shinji yelled, running forward. The floor opened up, and Shinji fell into the darkness.

"Where am I…?" Shinji asked, groggily, looking up from the ground. He pushed himself to his hands and knees, starting to rise.

"Shinji."

Shinji look over.

"Kaworu!" He blinked, and he was gone. Shinji looked around desperately, only to find Kaworu on his other side.

"Shinji." Kaworu said again. Another blink, and Kaworu vanished once more. And suddenly, the room was spinning. Everywhere he looked- Kaworu was there, only to disappear as soon as he found him. He couldn't make it stop- Shinji thought he was going to be sick-

"Shinji." Kaworu said, inches from Shinji's face. Shinji cried out, and fell backward.

Kaworu was gone again.

"_You must learn to hate me, Shinji Ikari, or you will never move on."_ Came an echoing voice form nowhere. Shinji looked around desperately.

"_If you cannot do this, your life will never continue._

"_I cannot allow that."_

And suddenly, Shinji found himself back in the Eva. He looked around, confused, only to find a smiling Kaworu grasped in the Eva's hand.

"N- no- wait-" He said desperately, trying to loosen his grip. But at that moment, his hand closed.

"No!" Shinji screamed, reliving his worst moment.

Then, he was in Kaworu's room, the night before. Shinji shut his eyes, terrified.

"Are you alright, Shinji?" The voice was concerned. Shinji looked over. Kaworu was there- Kaworu was alive! Shinji felt tears leak out of the corners of his eyes.

"Shinji? What's wrong?"

"God- I- I-"

"I'm sorry Shinji." Shinji looked up, and it was dark again.

"Stop it… Stop it…" He said quietly, hanging his head, wanting to see no more.

"_I cannot stop it. Only you can do that."_

"Make it stop, Kaworu! Make it stop! It hurts, it hurts!" Shinji screamed, clutching his hand to his chest, over his heart.

"_It will hurt so much more if you cannot learn to hate me, Shinji Ikari."_

And suddenly, Shinji's life was passing him by. Every scene from every painful moment he'd ever experienced was running across his vision like monsters, tearing him apart.

And suddenly, Shinji found himself screaming.

"Stop it, Kaworu! Stop it!" He found himself saying, suddenly accusing.

"_I will not."_

"I hate you, Kaworu!" He yelled, and opened his eyes.

Shinji looked around. The lights were soft. The bed was warm. The steady beep-beep-beep of the monitor was echoing in the background. The only thing left of the experience was Shinji's memories. Shinji looked up.

It was an unfamiliar ceiling.


End file.
